Back to School Reflections

The new school year is just around the corner. As with any new transition in our lives, it evokes different thoughts and feelings in many people.
 
In my practice, many families have shared over the years that they think that their child needs two to three weeks to adapt to their new teachers, class, and friends. So, they get disappointed when this doesn't happen.
 
Remember: The transition to a new school year usually doesn’t conclude in the first few weeks. It's more realistic to armor yourself with patience that, depending on your child and family circumstances, your kid might need three or four months to settle into a routine with a new teacher and classmates. In most cases, adjusting to a new grade level requires patience, self-care, consistency in adhering to daily, school, and study routines, and building new skills upon existing ones.
 
Ask yourself: How do I talk to my kids about the challenges and opportunities this school year offers?
 
Here are a few tips to open a discussion with your child. You can pick and choose questions and reflections that resonate with you.
 
For you, as a parent
You can consider the following steps in supporting your children in successfully settling into the new school year.

1. Identify potential challenges that your child or any of your kids is experiencing:

• Social relationships
• Anxiety or emotional regulation
• Learning difficulties
• Boundary issues
• Attention and focus
• Poor study habits

Prepare to focus on a skill that is also important to your child. Find an appropriate time when your child is calm and content to discuss what skill(s) they want to develop.

 2. Set small goals that are realistic and meaningful to you and your child. Ask yourself:

• Do I want to help my child better regulate their emotions?
• Do I want to help my child find and keep friends and improve their social interactions with others?
• Do I want to help my child develop good study habits?
• Does my child want to focus on the same skill development I think is important for them?

3. Ask yourself one or more of these questions:

• Why is this goal important to me? Why is it important to my child?
• What gets in the way of achieving this goal?
• What help do I need to support my child in developing the skills they want to improve?
  • Do I need to do more research and, consult a professional, work with my child’s support system in school, or can I rely on my knowledge and skills to help my child?

3. Make a decision:

• What can I do daily to reinforce the skill development gently?
• How would I deal with my feelings if my child gets frustrated and wants to give up?
• What can I do to help myself and my child to persist in building and mastering the skill?
• How would I model self-care and self-appreciation when things don't turn out as my child hoped to?

4. Help your child recognize important pillars in their lives that provide stability and nurture their confidence to deal with setbacks. Some of those pillars include but are not limited to …

• Sameness in the environment: attending the same school, being with a  friend in the same class, participating in a club of interest.
• Support system: helpful adult or peer support at school; any support by family members, friends, or professionals outside the school system.
• Personal strengths: these might include subjects your child is strong in, interests that need to be reinforced, and skills that could help your child build their confidence.

 
Help your child recognize that every school year is the same in some ways and different in other ways. Where appropriate, discuss each of these.
 
~*~
 
For your kids
 
Here are a few areas you can focus on to naturally and consistently reinforce skill building in your kids:
 
Make a plan

• Find the right time and place to open a conversation about this school year. For some parents, dinner conversations work best. For others, discussions in the car. Find out what time and setting works best for you and your family.
• Discuss with your kid a plan to focus on building skills. This might include checking in daily on how things are going.
• Ask your child how you could support them. Offer some suggestions and ask your child if they find them helpful. Be open and curious to learn how your child would like you to help them when they experience difficulties.

 
Create structure and predictability

• Set the right conditions for these but also make your child aware that having consistent daily routines (e.g., morning or bedtime) helps with adjusting and enjoying the new school year.
• You can teach your child that structure and predictability help our brains adjust to new situations and deal with stress and unexpected obstacles in our daily lives.
• Decide what to say and how to say it when an opportunity arises.

 
Deal with anticipatory anxiety

• Teach your child to expect to be anxious and accept that this will happen. Validate and normalize their anxiety by saying something along these lines:
• "We all tend to be nervous at the beginning of a school year. People often need some time to settle and feel comfortable with a new place of study or work.” One way to help with managing our anxiety is to do these simple things:
  • Take a deep breath, hold, and then release a longer exhale saying, "I am okay."
  • Say to yourself, "I am nervous. I can be nervous and still have a good day."

 
Recall past successes

• Help your child recognize that they dealt well with new transitions in the past year despite feeling nervous. Remind them of specific events where they were initially shy but felt better the more they were immersed in the activities.
• Reinforce building an attitude of patience during the adaptation period and approaching the new school year with an open heart and a curious mind.
• Say something like, "I understand this skill might seem difficult (or finding a new friend seems to be tough right now) … Do you remember {a time in the past} when you worried that you could not do something but kept practicing and learning? Later on, you were able to tackle this skill and felt good about it.”

 
Focus on small daily successes

• Involve your kids in recognizing their strengths and using them daily to adapt, notice when things work out fine, and build confidence.
• Help your children develop self-validation and self-compassion when they feel disappointed, frustrated, or sad.
• Prepare a powerful statement or a quote that you like and find inspirational to use every time you want to support your kids in noticing improvement or persevering when obstacles arise. Here are a few things:
  • “A man who moves a mountain begins by carrying small stones.”--Confucius
  • "Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can". Arthur Ashe
  • Your example: ________________________________________________________ .

 
Help your child notice and cherish joyful moments daily, using their senses to experience them fully. For example, when you notice feeling excited about an event, happy to connect with a friend, or just feeling good about having a nice day, pay attention to what you see around you, hear, how you move, and remember to breathe. Notice how good it feels to take a deep breath and the pleasure of letting go when you breathe out fully.  
​
In sum:
Cultivate full presence to show support and patience in helping your child persevere in building important skills.
Help yourself, and your child notice when things work.
Treat yourself and your child with compassion when you both deal with setbacks.
Create opportunities for joyful moments of appreciation of your efforts and small daily triumphs.
 
Wishing you a successful and fulfilled school year!

​Dr. Dessy Marinova
 
Our book, Parent-Child Guide to Coping with Anxiety,  has fun and easy mindful practices to help your family deal with stress and enjoy fully small and big daily events.